Joe Langley

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Tommy Robinson wants to be a Refugee, the biggest switch since Sol became a Gooner

What a switch, who could’ve seen it coming? There hasn’t been a bigger change of allegiances since Sol Campbell left spurs for great rivals Arsenal. “Tommy Robinson”, facing prison, has decided refugees are great, what a U-turn. And much like the legendary Arsenal player,he has made the switch for purely personal reasons. So, Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, A.K.A Tommy Robinson, A.K.A Mr “Foreigners Don’t Respect Our Laws”, has been convicted for not respecting the law, how naughty, and is due to be sentenced on Thursday. Surely a true patriot who values British rule of law higher than anything else would stand up and accept this verdict, apologising and highlighting the importance of British law and how we should respect it? Absolutely not because in his fantasy land the rules don’t apply to white men and prison isn’t very nice.

Now Yaxley-Lennon has decided to take his ironic exploits to the next level and apply for political asylum in the USA due to “fearing for his life”, hilarious when you think the biggest danger to him recently has been a McDonald’s milkshake, but to be fair, it is a valid concern when he’s on the inside as I doubt the inmates have seen such a piece of gammon for some time and would surely eat him alive (metaphorically or otherwise, i don’t know what prisoners get up to in their spare time). Of course if Yaxley-Lennon’s fear of prisons being run by “Jihadi gangs” is true then he has nothing to fear as gammon is of course Haraam. A disappointment really, disappointing for Stephen as he’s in prison but more disappointing for me really as I spent a lot of time trying to word that eaten alive sentence.

Whatever his reasons for trying to escape jail time, the nerve it takes for the man to claim refugee status when he has spent years protesting such individuals is startling. Playing the victim as ever, Yaxley-Lennon must be foaming at the mouth thinking about those refugees leaving home due to the slight inconvenience of war and poverty when the real refugees should be those who truly need to escape their country, like angry little men whose outspoken actions have finally caught up with them. Even more startling is that there is a high chance Donald Trump will grant this request, despite Yaxley-Lennon being banned from the USA due to fraudulent passport issues. This is another shining example of why he deserves to be a refugee more than those coming to Britain. All those lazy scroungers do is jump on a dinghy and float all the way here, away from violence and corruption with no guarantee of survival, at least the people’s champion Stephen went to the effort of using an invalid passport first, true patriotism in action.

In his appeal to the president Yaxley-Lennon appeared on Infowars, where host Alex Jones gets angry about something, or sometimes nothing, and shouts endlessly about the disgrace it brings to America. Despite the show being called Infowars, turns out there is very little info being used in these shouting sessions. All of Jones’ guests’ claims go unchecked so if Yaxley-Lennon can claim our prisons are run by Jihadi gangs then next week Boris Johnson could pop on and claim Jeremy Corbyn wants to replace Buckingham Palace with a water park and make the new king the biggest lion at London zoo. Alex Jones would then go on to literally shit himself live on air shouting about how Britain has fallen. (This is of course ridiculous, Jeremy Corbyn would never appoint a new king. But we can’t know for sure his thoughts on a water park in central London, these are the big questions Brexit has taken our focus from). So bearing this in mind when Alex Jones says the president is watching, surely you’d laugh as this is clearly not a “news” outlet that a president would subscribe to, but in this twisted reality we live in chances are Yaxley-Lennon’s appeal will reach Mr Trump and he will seize the opportunity to use Stephen’s words as facts about the “Islamic takeover” in Britain, vindicating anti-islamists from both sides of the pond. Yaxley-Lennon is likely to join Katie Hopkins and Nigel Farage in being the latest British “expert” to educate the US under Donald’s sponsorship, almost as if he is forming an anti-islamist super group. With Trump’s backing a “Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?” cover called “do they know that Brexit means Brexit?” Christmas number one is nailed on (Obviously the song is just called “Do they know it’s Christmas?” but that doesn’t fit and since when have any of these mavericks played by the rules?).

You’ve got to feel for Stephen, those Syrian refugees have NEVER experienced the danger this man has faced

And yet despite the conviction and upcoming sentencing, people defend poor old Stephen! With some donating to his “legal fund” despite him earning thousands off of donations and hardly needing any more financial support. On twitter #FreeTommy has been doing the rounds as “all he was doing was exposing Muslim grooming gangs”. If breaking a reporting ban to risk setting free people that have already been caught is “exposing a cover up” or “just free speech”, then John Major was the greatest PM of all time. Despite Stephen jeopardising the trial it seems he got what he wanted and brought attention to the minority of the Muslim population that just so happen to be wrong doing , with absolutely no regard for whether he was doing wrong himself, knowing his followers would be angrier at the police attempting to “silence” him than the actual fact he broke the law. It’s a right wing win-win, blame minorities and reduce trust in the establishment. He’s been doing it for years so why stop now some minor concept like the law disagrees with him?

I am caught in two minds about this whole refugee thing, firstly I find it hilarious the irony of it, but i’m also terrified he will get away with it and his brand of thuggish racism will be given an even bigger platform in the US. If Trump does intervene it also undermines our justice system and vindicates anti-islamists knowing they have the USA’s support. Yaxley-Lennon’s self importance has led him to try sustain himself by fleeing to America knowing he can spread his hate to a wider audience, no doubt boosting his profile and earnings. But it isn’t about that oh no, our mate ‘Tommy’ doesn’t care about the money, all his donation pleas help him fund genuine campaigns for British rights, DEFINITELY not his £1 million house. These are dark days for Britain if the president rescues and promotes one of our most divisive figures, so dark in fact that a water park in place of Buckingham palace is just what’s needed, make it happen Jeremy.

“Tommy Robinson” is a parasite that has been living off of hatred for longer than I’ve been interested in politics,he is both encouraged by the British media’s coverage of his actions and fuelled by the funding of the disenfranchised middle class looking for something to blame for the way things are. In fact even writing this is a bad idea as it has me thinking about this man, as well as the 6 people who read this. No matter the outcome of his refugee plea, no matter how ironic it is, it has succeeded in putting his ideas back into the public sphere. the subject of grooming gangs, or MUSLIM grooming gangs as ‘Tommy’ would put it will remain a topic of debate whether he rots in prison or gets jetted off to comb Trump’s ego on stage. Either way, Stephen Yaxley-Lennon is a problem that no amount of milkshake can solve.

I Never Want This Election To End

I don’t think I’ve ever been so into a campaign, 2017 was hard because it only really got going after we all realised what a hooligan Theresa May was when she said the naughtiest thing she’d ever done was run through some fields of wheat. Corbyn being the top shagger that he is declined to answer the same question, probably because knowing him it was some sort of massive orgy with some South American communist revolutionaries in the seventies, but that’s not the point. Now El Shagador (as the South American revolutionaries no doubt called Corbyn) is up against Boris Johnson, a man who has built a career out of naughty things. Arranging to get a journalist attacked? Oopsie. Getting a British Citizen wrongly Imprisoned when foreign secretary? Silly Boris. Having multiple children to different mothers then writing about how unruly children of single mothers are? Oh Boris what a silly sausage you are.

The point is there is so much potential in this election for some outstanding content, and with this campaign highlighting how no one needs to tell the truth anymore things could only get better. For all we know tomorrow night rumours could spread that Diane Abbott isn’t actually a human being but a cleverly designed Trojan horse to get ISIS into Parliament, yes she’s been an MP for 30 years and yes ISIS didn’t exist back then but what does that matter? The “facts” are that as soon as she steps into the Houses of Parliament on the 13th December she will explode and 42 Syrian extremists are going to jump out and lay siege to the House of Commons. Only a Conservative government can stop this happening.

Politics went stale after the global recession, Gordon Brown’s deep breathing wasn’t exactly thrilling and the only thing exciting about him was the tension in the room over whether he would have a heart attack mid-press conference. Cameron and Miliband hardly captured the imagination, yes one of them shagged a pig and the other can’t eat bacon without looking stupid but we had 5 years of nothingness before those pearls of entertainment emerged. We’ve had a decade not just of austerity and declining living standards but also a decade of boredom.

Now look at us, Johnson and Corbyn are rockstars, Corbyn quite literally the way he gathers crowds at Glastonbury, Johnson in the way he sleeps about. No press conference will ever be boring again, blink and you’ll miss another truly outstanding moment. It’s like a game of tennis only that it’s not shit. Corbyn hits a tasty serve as he slaps out the NHS trade talk documents, ooh and Johnson returns by saying get brexit done a record 45 times in 3 minutes, Corbyn under pressure now as everyone screams at him to apologise for antisemitism,Johnson in top as he slips his racism away unnoticed. But corbyn returns a beauty by whipping out ANOTHER document exposing Johnson’s lies, but oh my word I don’t believe it, Johnson lies AGAIN and wins the point. 15-0.

Of course despite this comedy of errors for the last month there is a serious election going on, lives quite literally could be at stake depending on who gets the keys to number 10. And that of course is the second reason I don’t want this election to end, there is a very real chance Johnson could win a majority, and that doesn’t sound very nice at all. I’d rather we continue this endless cycle of back and forth bullshit (the election campaign, not brexit) until the end of time, because not only is it entertaining, if it goes on forever we’ll never have to wake up to the day Boris Johnson has the power to do what he likes.

Boris Johnson is the New PM, This Would be Funny if it Wasn’t so Terrifying

So Boris Johnson is going to be our new Prime Minister, selected by a highly representative portion of the UK public, the 92,153 predominately white middle-aged members of the Conservative Party that backed him, talk about taking back control. We really have preserved democracy at last by giving the choice of who is Prime Minister to people who are willing to pay to be members of a political party, take that unelected bureaucrats in Brussels! You can’t make decisions for us anymore, neither can 99% of our population but that’s OK because at least we’ve taken back control right? Right??

Boris Johnson is the first PM to be chosen by members of a political party so is likely to be under intense scrutiny from those who couldn’t select him , even more so than Theresa May who just kind of awkwardly danced her way in without anyone selecting her at all. She won the leadership the same way a fat child wins the sports day 100m because the actual runners i.e Gove and Johnson, fell out so their mums took them home before the race, handing someone supremely unqualified the gold medal. “Everyone gets a medal because it’s not the winning it’s the taking part” is a valid thing to say to a 5 year old not to someone in their mid-fifties who is a pointy hat and a broomstick away from trying to cook kids in a cauldron, and the prize certainly shouldn’t be the keys to number 10. Maybe comparing her to an out of shape runner is harsh, she had her moments. Who could forget these iconic moments of leadership that truly cemented her legacy: throwing away her majority to try prove a point in an election; Giving the DUP £1 Billion in a not so subtle bribe to stay in power; Not showing up at Grenfell because real leaders don’t want the tears of people they’ve let down getting over their nice clothes. I could go on but the point is Theresa May wasn’t even the sort of person the Tories would elect and she still managed to fuck up at almost every turn, so imagine what a PM the Tories actually want would be like.

Enter Boris. The man who will save us from the perils of the EU by waving his kipper about on stage, making up fake regulations that are “holding us back” and completely forgetting about any real regulations that may impede him. This is exactly what Britain needs, because what Britain has been lacking so far is belief. Boris thinks we can overcome legal and political issues just by believing in Britain. OF COURSE! How could we have all been so stupid? Clearly Theresa May walked into negotiations like a mopey teenager saying “We’d like a trade deal but don’t worry about it we’re a bit rubbish I wouldn’t even trade with me”, If only we had someone that would go bowling in from the start talking about The British Empire and how we invented literally everything, humming Rule Britannia as they walk out the room with the most favourable deal of all time. This new found optimism will really knock the stuffing out of the EU and they’ll have no choice but to bend over and surrender to Johnson’s all-British Johnson.

After all, Boris is famous for making shrewd deals, who could forget the garden bridge? Millions of taxpayers money spent but not a single brick laid, most likely down to those pesky European bureaucrats and their so called “health and safety”, outrageous if you ask me, who needs regulations that could save hundreds of lives when you could save the money from all that hassle and extra planning and instead invest in giant speakers that play God Save the Queen on repeat for 16 hours a day, that way when the bridge does collapse at least the hundreds of innocent people will die knowing they’re free to die without interference from the unelected elite. Better to die a free man in a totally avoidable disaster than to live on your knees to a group of elites hiding in Brussels trying to subjugate us with human rights, health standards and better working conditions, that’s the real British way.

Of course the Garden Bridge never being built wasn’t Boris’ fault, because like all Brexiteers nothing is ever their fault. Bad trade deal? Not believing enough. No deal going to wreck the economy? Remoaner negativity. Hold on didn’t we say getting a trade deal would be easy? No shut up we always wanted no deal even when we said we didn’t, don’t bother checking the facts or you are a traitor. This line of logic is however at an end, with Boris at the top there’s surely no more excuses, no more blame to be laid elsewhere, hard to blame remoaners now when it’s a full Brexit team at the top table, although I am sure they’ll find a way.

I mentioned Boris waving a kipper about, for those of you that may have confused I wasn’t referring to his penis (who would call their penis a kipper? get your mind out of the gutter). I was referring to his bold claim that the moustache twirling villains at the EU are ruining the lives of hard working kipper fishermen (kippermen?) by enforcing regulations on how to keep that product fresh. Those fiends are trying to stop food going off before it even reaches the shops, how dare they.
Interestingly, Boris failed to mention the regulation of using “ice pillows” to keep products fresh doesn’t even apply to smoked products such as the kipper, and in fact the UK sets the rules on the product he was slapping about the place. Maybe this was some way of intimidating rival Jeremy Hunt in a ritual he learned while he was off offending other cultures as foreign secretary, in that case that’s not very Brexit is it? embracing other cultures, either way this kipper gaffe should go down as a point against Boris, except it didn’t. Instead the picture of him, kipper aloft, did the rounds with the title “Boris claims EU threatens fishing” or something along those lines, and that gives it validity. Boris lied on a national debate and no one batted an eyelid. Maybe that’s what it is when people say he has a strong character, they just mean he’s a great liar. His lies may have fooled Brian, 64, from Sussex to vote for Boris as PM but I doubt they will work against the EU.

I don’t have the time or the patience to describe Boris and all his problems in one sitting, I haven’t even mentioned how he essentially got the British ambassador to the US to resign, and there will probably be a fresh new gaffe to write about tomorrow anyway so I am sure I’ll get to them all eventually. The trouble with Boris is he has had years of being treated as a harmless cartoon of a man when the reality is he is extremely dangerous for our country, but his reputation is such that no one bats an eyelid. The fact all any of the Conservatives talk about is “yeah but he’ll beat Corbyn” shows the lack of substance there is behind the crazy hair and Guffawing. All that matters is that the media love him and it’ll keep the Conservatives in power, so much for putting Britain first.

Back when Boris was just a cartoon character, not our bloody Prime Minister

And for anyone who doubts the influence of the media, 11 year old naive me thought Boris was hilarious, getting stuck on zip-wires and cycling around on Boris Bikes that weren’t even his idea seemed like a fresh new novelty in politics, because those publicity stunts were lauded and the idiocy behind the scenes ignored. It is only when you peel back that shaggy blonde barnet and look into the mind of the man do you see a genuinely self-absorbed and dangerous man, and the great news is he’s now settling in to number 10.