So Boris Johnson is going to be our new Prime Minister, selected by a highly representative portion of the UK public, the 92,153 predominately white middle-aged members of the Conservative Party that backed him, talk about taking back control. We really have preserved democracy at last by giving the choice of who is Prime Minister to people who are willing to pay to be members of a political party, take that unelected bureaucrats in Brussels! You can’t make decisions for us anymore, neither can 99% of our population but that’s OK because at least we’ve taken back control right? Right??
Boris Johnson is the first PM to be chosen by members of a political party so is likely to be under intense scrutiny from those who couldn’t select him , even more so than Theresa May who just kind of awkwardly danced her way in without anyone selecting her at all. She won the leadership the same way a fat child wins the sports day 100m because the actual runners i.e Gove and Johnson, fell out so their mums took them home before the race, handing someone supremely unqualified the gold medal. “Everyone gets a medal because it’s not the winning it’s the taking part” is a valid thing to say to a 5 year old not to someone in their mid-fifties who is a pointy hat and a broomstick away from trying to cook kids in a cauldron, and the prize certainly shouldn’t be the keys to number 10. Maybe comparing her to an out of shape runner is harsh, she had her moments. Who could forget these iconic moments of leadership that truly cemented her legacy: throwing away her majority to try prove a point in an election; Giving the DUP £1 Billion in a not so subtle bribe to stay in power; Not showing up at Grenfell because real leaders don’t want the tears of people they’ve let down getting over their nice clothes. I could go on but the point is Theresa May wasn’t even the sort of person the Tories would elect and she still managed to fuck up at almost every turn, so imagine what a PM the Tories actually want would be like.
Enter Boris. The man who will save us from the perils of the EU by waving his kipper about on stage, making up fake regulations that are “holding us back” and completely forgetting about any real regulations that may impede him. This is exactly what Britain needs, because what Britain has been lacking so far is belief. Boris thinks we can overcome legal and political issues just by believing in Britain. OF COURSE! How could we have all been so stupid? Clearly Theresa May walked into negotiations like a mopey teenager saying “We’d like a trade deal but don’t worry about it we’re a bit rubbish I wouldn’t even trade with me”, If only we had someone that would go bowling in from the start talking about The British Empire and how we invented literally everything, humming Rule Britannia as they walk out the room with the most favourable deal of all time. This new found optimism will really knock the stuffing out of the EU and they’ll have no choice but to bend over and surrender to Johnson’s all-British Johnson.
After all, Boris is famous for making shrewd deals, who could forget the garden bridge? Millions of taxpayers money spent but not a single brick laid, most likely down to those pesky European bureaucrats and their so called “health and safety”, outrageous if you ask me, who needs regulations that could save hundreds of lives when you could save the money from all that hassle and extra planning and instead invest in giant speakers that play God Save the Queen on repeat for 16 hours a day, that way when the bridge does collapse at least the hundreds of innocent people will die knowing they’re free to die without interference from the unelected elite. Better to die a free man in a totally avoidable disaster than to live on your knees to a group of elites hiding in Brussels trying to subjugate us with human rights, health standards and better working conditions, that’s the real British way.
Of course the Garden Bridge never being built wasn’t Boris’ fault, because like all Brexiteers nothing is ever their fault. Bad trade deal? Not believing enough. No deal going to wreck the economy? Remoaner negativity. Hold on didn’t we say getting a trade deal would be easy? No shut up we always wanted no deal even when we said we didn’t, don’t bother checking the facts or you are a traitor. This line of logic is however at an end, with Boris at the top there’s surely no more excuses, no more blame to be laid elsewhere, hard to blame remoaners now when it’s a full Brexit team at the top table, although I am sure they’ll find a way.
I mentioned Boris waving a kipper about, for those of you that may have confused I wasn’t referring to his penis (who would call their penis a kipper? get your mind out of the gutter). I was referring to his bold claim that the moustache twirling villains at the EU are ruining the lives of hard working kipper fishermen (kippermen?) by enforcing regulations on how to keep that product fresh. Those fiends are trying to stop food going off before it even reaches the shops, how dare they.
Interestingly, Boris failed to mention the regulation of using “ice pillows” to keep products fresh doesn’t even apply to smoked products such as the kipper, and in fact the UK sets the rules on the product he was slapping about the place. Maybe this was some way of intimidating rival Jeremy Hunt in a ritual he learned while he was off offending other cultures as foreign secretary, in that case that’s not very Brexit is it? embracing other cultures, either way this kipper gaffe should go down as a point against Boris, except it didn’t. Instead the picture of him, kipper aloft, did the rounds with the title “Boris claims EU threatens fishing” or something along those lines, and that gives it validity. Boris lied on a national debate and no one batted an eyelid. Maybe that’s what it is when people say he has a strong character, they just mean he’s a great liar. His lies may have fooled Brian, 64, from Sussex to vote for Boris as PM but I doubt they will work against the EU.
I don’t have the time or the patience to describe Boris and all his problems in one sitting, I haven’t even mentioned how he essentially got the British ambassador to the US to resign, and there will probably be a fresh new gaffe to write about tomorrow anyway so I am sure I’ll get to them all eventually. The trouble with Boris is he has had years of being treated as a harmless cartoon of a man when the reality is he is extremely dangerous for our country, but his reputation is such that no one bats an eyelid. The fact all any of the Conservatives talk about is “yeah but he’ll beat Corbyn” shows the lack of substance there is behind the crazy hair and Guffawing. All that matters is that the media love him and it’ll keep the Conservatives in power, so much for putting Britain first.
And for anyone who doubts the influence of the media, 11 year old naive me thought Boris was hilarious, getting stuck on zip-wires and cycling around on Boris Bikes that weren’t even his idea seemed like a fresh new novelty in politics, because those publicity stunts were lauded and the idiocy behind the scenes ignored. It is only when you peel back that shaggy blonde barnet and look into the mind of the man do you see a genuinely self-absorbed and dangerous man, and the great news is he’s now settling in to number 10.
Joe Langley 