I don’t think I’ve ever been so into a campaign, 2017 was hard because it only really got going after we all realised what a hooligan Theresa May was when she said the naughtiest thing she’d ever done was run through some fields of wheat. Corbyn being the top shagger that he is declined to answer the same question, probably because knowing him it was some sort of massive orgy with some South American communist revolutionaries in the seventies, but that’s not the point. Now El Shagador (as the South American revolutionaries no doubt called Corbyn) is up against Boris Johnson, a man who has built a career out of naughty things. Arranging to get a journalist attacked? Oopsie. Getting a British Citizen wrongly Imprisoned when foreign secretary? Silly Boris. Having multiple children to different mothers then writing about how unruly children of single mothers are? Oh Boris what a silly sausage you are.
The point is there is so much potential in this election for some outstanding content, and with this campaign highlighting how no one needs to tell the truth anymore things could only get better. For all we know tomorrow night rumours could spread that Diane Abbott isn’t actually a human being but a cleverly designed Trojan horse to get ISIS into Parliament, yes she’s been an MP for 30 years and yes ISIS didn’t exist back then but what does that matter? The “facts” are that as soon as she steps into the Houses of Parliament on the 13th December she will explode and 42 Syrian extremists are going to jump out and lay siege to the House of Commons. Only a Conservative government can stop this happening.
Politics went stale after the global recession, Gordon Brown’s deep breathing wasn’t exactly thrilling and the only thing exciting about him was the tension in the room over whether he would have a heart attack mid-press conference. Cameron and Miliband hardly captured the imagination, yes one of them shagged a pig and the other can’t eat bacon without looking stupid but we had 5 years of nothingness before those pearls of entertainment emerged. We’ve had a decade not just of austerity and declining living standards but also a decade of boredom.
Now look at us, Johnson and Corbyn are rockstars, Corbyn quite literally the way he gathers crowds at Glastonbury, Johnson in the way he sleeps about. No press conference will ever be boring again, blink and you’ll miss another truly outstanding moment. It’s like a game of tennis only that it’s not shit. Corbyn hits a tasty serve as he slaps out the NHS trade talk documents, ooh and Johnson returns by saying get brexit done a record 45 times in 3 minutes, Corbyn under pressure now as everyone screams at him to apologise for antisemitism,Johnson in top as he slips his racism away unnoticed. But corbyn returns a beauty by whipping out ANOTHER document exposing Johnson’s lies, but oh my word I don’t believe it, Johnson lies AGAIN and wins the point. 15-0.
Of course despite this comedy of errors for the last month there is a serious election going on, lives quite literally could be at stake depending on who gets the keys to number 10. And that of course is the second reason I don’t want this election to end, there is a very real chance Johnson could win a majority, and that doesn’t sound very nice at all. I’d rather we continue this endless cycle of back and forth bullshit (the election campaign, not brexit) until the end of time, because not only is it entertaining, if it goes on forever we’ll never have to wake up to the day Boris Johnson has the power to do what he likes.
Joe Langley 